A Letter to my 18-year-old Self

The week before last, I had the strange opportunity to be back in the exact same ballroom I was in for my senior prom. It was for a work event – our biggest event of the year – and as part of that event I spent two hours inflating 600 thunder sticks in the ballroom. (Yeah, you read that correctly. It’s fine.) While I was sitting on the floor in that ballroom behind my thunder stick bunker, I had some revelations I wish I could have shared with my 18-year-old self as I experiences a strange sense of deja vu. I have also driven past my high school in the middle of the day recently and had some things I wish I could have said to the students leaving the school as I passed by. These are those thoughts.

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Dear 18-year-old Lindsay (and high schoolers everywhere),

Hey, what up? NMH. (I couldn’t resist.) Let me be the first to say that things are going to turn our very differently than you think. These are not “the best years of your life.” Far from it, actually. You’re going to look back on these years and laugh. Here are a few things you should know:

• You think everyone you are taking pictures with on prom night is going to be your best friend forever (and ever, omgz). They’re not. There will be one person in this ballroom you will still be speaking to almost seven years from now. And she will be your best friend in the world. But you don’t know that yet. Take a little extra time to hang out with her instead of the people you’ll never talk to again after graduation.
• You didn’t have a date to prom. Or any other dance in high school. That’s OK. No one is ever going to judge you by this standard. You will not be asked about this in college. Or on job interviews. Or ever again beyond the week after prom when you get your disposable camera photos developed. It’s all good. You’ve got time to find the “love of your life,” or the rejects who will tell you who the love of your life isn’t.
• Your prom dress will still be gorgeous to you seven years from now, and you will still wish you had somewhere to wear it. But you will not. Ever again. Get over it and say goodbye. (No, seriously, get it out of the closet, almost-25-year-old Lindsay.)
• The fact that you didn’t get drunk and hook up with anyone the night of your senior prom is OK. You went to the school PTSA-sponsored after-party at the bowling alley? So what? Did you have fun? Because that’s all that matters. You don’t need to worry about the rest of that crap. You probably would have regretted those other decisions anyway. Probably. 
• On that note, lighten up a little. Really. Try new things. Meet new people in college. While alcohol is not the be-all and end-all of your freshman year, it also doesn’t mean anyone who partakes in activities involving it is a heathen. Again, lighten up. And get the hell out of your dorm room every once in a while.
• Pajama pants? Are not real pants. They should not be worn outside the house. Ever. You might do this a handful of times in college when you are hungover and late for class, but really, never again. You will look back on this as an adult and regret it. There is something (read: a lot) to be said for looking put-together.
• On that same note, wear a freaking coat. A hoodie is not the same thing. It may be “cool,” but you will be a heck of a lot warmer in a real coat. Oh, and they make some damn nice “real” coats too. Learn to love ’em. And umbrellas? They don’t make you look like a nerd. They make you look dry. Imagine that.
• If there is something you really, really love, go for it with all your heart. Because I can promise you that seven years from now, your passion for journalism will still be burning strong and you will find your way into the field. Just keep going.
• People will change. You will change. It’s a fact of life. There will be times to say goodbye to the people who no longer fit, times to move on to find the people who will. But never discount the role any of those people played in your life. They are all a part of creating the [pretty awesome…and humble] person you will become.

Lastly, I want to say… learn to stand up for yourself. Don’t let other people tell you what is right or wrong for you. Have faith in yourself. Be confident. See the world. Follow your instincts. And hey…did I mention have some fun? Do that. A lot. You won’t regret it.

Keep on keepin’ on…

-Almost-25-year-old Lindsay

PS: You think “sing we ever Perry Hall” is powerful when singing your alma mater? Wait until you get to chant “Long Live Elon” at your college graduation. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, kid.

You’ll know exactly who you are…

You start out with this crazy idea. This grand, ridiculous idea to do something you’ve never done before. You have a specific goal in mind, an end date. You’re not sure if you’re going to meet it, but you try your damnedest. You work and you work. You just keep thinking about the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep pushing and it’ll all be over soon. You put your blood, sweat and tears into it. Literally. And then the finish line comes. And you not only cross it, you cross it with vigor, with energy and with pride. This thing that you thought might kill you made you a million times stronger. And finally, you are done, after all the time you devoted to it.

But you’re not really done. Because the minute you cross that finish line, you realize you want to keep going. The experience changed your life. That goal and that time dedicated to it isn’t just a blip on the radar. It’s become a real part of you. It’s changed who you are.

If you haven’t felt this before in your life, you’re not pursuing the right things. You need to pursue something that feels right. Something that pushes you. Something you are passionate about. Something that makes you feel most like you.

I’ve felt this numerous times, especially in the past year, which has been truly life-altering for me. But I am writing this specifically, tonight, about running. (I know, I know. You’re tired of reading about how fitness changed people’s lives, blah blah blah.)

When I decided back in September that I was going to train for a 5k in just a month’s time, I knew I was a little crazy. I’d never been a runner, and it was going to be hell. I was fit, yes, and get me on an elliptical and I could crank out a 10k, no problem. But the treadmill? My arch nemesis. Even worse? Road running. It wasn’t going to happen. I cried a lot during that month. I beat myself up, emotionally.

And I cried the day of the race. But those tears were different. They were tears of motivation, of happiness, and of pride. I knew then, the moment I crossed that finish line, that I wasn’t going to stop running. I was going to be a runner.

photo via...

As the calendar flipped to 2012 a couple weeks ago, I started thinking about things I wanted to accomplish this year. Not necessarily the traditional “resolutions,” but real, specific goals I wanted to reach, and I knew I wanted some of those goals to continue building my relationship with running.

On January 3, I went to the gym for the first time this year. And I ran my little heart out. It wasn’t my best time, but I had this thought when I finished…

When the hell did running three miles get to be so easy and enjoyable?

Instead of feeling like a chore, like a torture method, or like something I had to do, running felt like a leisure activity, a hobby, something I do for fun. I felt amazing after my workout. Until the next day when some mutant head cold invaded my body. I was out of commission basically from then until yesterday, when I finally felt human again.

Tonight, I made my triumphant return to the gym, despite being a bit congested still. I didn’t have high hopes because of being so congested and having been so exhausted for the past nine days, but I was going to try.

I stepped on that treadmill and I felt like I was home. It sounds so dumb, but I don’t care, it’s true. Despite not being able to breathe through one side of my nose, I was able to run one mile without a problem. Then I walked for a bit, then ran another half mile. Some more walking. Then two more intervals of a quarter mile each. Running two miles, granted they weren’t consecutive, felt amazing.

I ran through the blisters I could feel forming, through the bit of weakness I was feeling in my calves, through the coughing attack I knew I was going to have at the end. I did it because I wanted to, and because it makes me feel good, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When I run, I don’t think about anything else. I have my music playing, I am focused on the “road” in front of me, and nothing else matters. I don’t think about work, friends, family, the news, stress… I think about me. It’s “me time” that I have come to really cherish. I missed it while I was sick the past week. I miss the way it makes me feel physically, mentally and emotionally. I step off that treadmill at the end and I feel refreshed, renewed and ready to take on the world. Running has become part of me in a way I never thought it could.

So, what crazy, ridiculous goal are you setting for yourself? What have you always wanted to go after, but not had the guts to do? And, most importantly, why the hell are you still waiting?

A Year of Letting Go

I just spent a good hour reading my blog posts from the end of December 2010 into January 2011. It is remarkable how much has changed in a year’s time.

I made the clichéd statement in January last year that “this year is MY YEAR.” People say it every year, it’s probably on about 10 Facebook statuses on your News Feed right now. I’d said it in the past.

But in 2011, I really followed through on that.

One year ago, I was struggling to crawl out of depression. I was making very difficult decisions, but decisions I knew I needed to make.

Ultimately for me, 2011 was about learning to let go.

When I think back on it, that’s what everything I went through last year was. Letting go.

Professionally, I quit my job at the end of February, having no backup plan and a scary year ahead of me. I just knew I couldn’t continue to let that job degrade me anymore. I second-guessed myself when times were tough, but I never truly regretted the decision I made.

Personally, I learned to let go of toxic friendships and relationships. The ones that I poured my heart and soul into and consistently got nothing but disappointment in return. I learned to be OK with being “alone,” but also learned that I wasn’t even actually alone, because there were amazing people in my life who would be there for me regardless.

But most importantly, I let go of fear. I let go of self-doubt. I let go of insecurities.

Without making these conscious choices to let go of things that weren’t right in my life, I would not be starting 2012 in such a good place. For the first time in my [albeit relatively short] life, I can say I am truly and completely happy in my job. I am doing what I love doing, in the industry I have always seen myself in, with fantastic coworkers and a lot of opportunities for growth. I come home feeling energized and excited, rather than defeated and tired. I now am free to put my time and energy and love into the people who deserve it, rather than wasting it on those who don’t appreciate it.

Throughout the course of 2011, I learned to fight for what I want. I learned that I am strong. I learned to stand up for myself. To have confidence in myself.

I fought through a lot in 2011, and in the end, I came out on top. And I am going to continue fighting in 2012, continue growing and learning. And if I have to, continue letting go of the things that don’t fit anymore. I am looking forward to what this year has in store, and I hope all of you are too. Happy New Year to all!

What did 2011 mean to you? And what are you hoping 2012 will bring?