In this new journey of self-discovery and soul-searching, I’m finding myself making a lot of lists, which should make my roommate, the list-maker, happy. I’ve been making lists of what I want, what I need to do to get there, who I need to contact, what tasks I need to accomplish, jobs I need to apply for, websites I need to check daily (or hourly at times) and many more.
So I figured that while I’m trying to figure out more of who I am, I might as well check another item off my Single Girl’s Checklist, which involves making another kind of list.
#31 – Make a list of all your faults.
Sounds easy, right? We’ve all got a million things we dislike about ourselves, so this should be a piece of cake. Well, let’s see how easy it really is.
- I very rarely say what I am truly thinking. I think things through in my head a million different ways before I say them. And they often come out so diluted from their original meaning that I may as well have just stayed quiet.
- Along those same lines, I almost never express my true feelings. I will suppress them until they are screaming to get out, and then I have a breakdown. Even when the breakdown happens, I’ll usually keep it to myself rather than going to someone and talking about it. Unhealthy? Yes.
- I hate confrontation. Unless someone notices there’s a problem and brings it up, I likely will not address it. Unless it’s so extreme that I can’t avoid it.
- I am afraid to ask for help. I often expect people to offer me help instead. Like they should read my mind and anticipate when I need them. I think it’s because I see asking for help as admitting that I can’t do it on my own.
- Risks scare me, mainly because the possibility of failure is so frightening.
- I am stubborn as hell.
- I don’t do enough for other people. I used to. Little things like cards and letters, gifts for no reason. I’ve lost sight of all that. And every time my roommate gets me a card or flowers or a bottle of wine for no reason, I feel guilty that I don’t do the same for her more often.
- I don’t follow through on my good intentions enough. Like keeping in touch with people. Or applying for that job that’s been sitting in my inbox for a week or more. Or making [and keeping] plans with a friend I haven’t seen in more than a year.
- I’m afraid to just put myself out there. In a lot of ways. Romantically, professionally, etc., all because I am horribly afraid of rejection. It’s always: “If I tell him how I feel, he’ll just say no. I’d rather not know.” Or: “If I apply for this job that I’m not really qualified for, they’ll laugh at me. It’s not worth it.”
- I am easily swayed by peer pressure. Examples: Jello shooters at my birthday last year. Thanks, Liana.
- I don’t know how to say “no” when it’s appropriate to or necessary to.
- I’m wishy-washy. I’ll waffle on how I feel about something for a long time before I really know.
- I can’t make a decision to save my life. Where to go out to dinner? Anything’s fine. This indecision has caused a lot of frustration for family and friends over the years. Sorry for that, folks. (Especially you, rooms.)
- I judge people. I say I don’t, but I do. I think most people do.
- I hold grudges. (See: #1, 2, 3, and 6…)
- I get jealous easily. Sometimes by really, really petty things that shouldn’t matter.
- I hate being left out because I’m afraid I’ll never catch back up. I’ll be left in the dust and not be able to redeem my standing.
- I can be elitist. And I hate it.
- I lie. Probably not a whole lot, and nothing vicious. But more than I would like to.
- I hate to be wrong. And I will try to find a way to argue that my side is right, even when I know it’s wrong. See that whole “stubborn” item again.
- I like feeling smarter than other people in certain subjects. A lot.
- I care way too much what other people think of me. And not even just the people who matter.
- I have unattainable ideals for a lot of things/people in my life. Like my perfect man. I’m not sure he exists.
- Which is probably why I’m chronically single. I’m afraid of love because I’m afraid of screwing it up.
- I am one-minded. I get my mind set on one thing and I’m often so narrow-minded with it that I can’t see the other options or paths that are out there. So I obsess over that one thing and get frustrated when it doesn’t work out.
- I hate not being in control. And because of that, I get frustrated very easily.
- I am a perfectionist. To the point of obsession.
- I can’t take criticism, constructive or otherwise.
- I love gossip.
- I sometimes pretend to be someone I’m not. I pretend to be interested in certain things because I think people would like me better if I share their interests. When really, I shouldn’t want to be involved with people who don’t like me for who I really am.
- I can’t take a compliment from anyone. In Jamaica, Kim told me I looked beautiful in my dress one night. I just shrugged it off. She then said, “Hey, Lindsay, remember that time I told you you looked gorgeous and you totally ignored me and didn’t accept the fact that you’re a stunning human being? Yeah, that was fun, right?” It’s an awful habit that I’m trying to work on.
- I live too much in the realm of “what if…” and don’t appreciate enough of what’s right in front of me.
- I often dwell on the negative rather than focusing on the positive.
And I think I’m going to end the list there. Because if I continue writing, then I am doing exactly what I said I do in that last one…dwelling on the negative.
A work in progress
There is a lot I need to work on with myself, and I am aware of that. I know there are more things I could add to this list, and I’ll probably continue to add to it in my head over time. But I’m going to work on a lot of these things, which all stem from underlying self-esteem issues that I haven’t fully worked out yet. These issues run deep, and have since childhood, but I’ve made progress and I will continue to do so.
This, like my “Who am I?” exercises in the 20 Something 20 Everything book, was an enlightening exercise. I encourage people to participate in this on their own. If you feel like it, share here. What are your faults? Are you working on them?