The Single Girl’s Checklist #31

In this new journey of self-discovery and soul-searching, I’m finding myself making a lot of lists, which should make my roommate, the list-maker, happy. I’ve been making lists of what I want, what I need to do to get there, who I need to contact, what tasks I need to accomplish, jobs I need to apply for, websites I need to check daily (or hourly at times) and many more.

So I figured that while I’m trying to figure out more of who I am, I might as well check another item off my Single Girl’s Checklist, which involves making another kind of list.

#31 – Make a list of all your faults.

Sounds easy, right? We’ve all got a million things we dislike about ourselves, so this should be a piece of cake. Well, let’s see how easy it really is.

1. I very rarely say what I am truly thinking. I think things through in my head a million different ways before I say them. And they often come out so diluted from their original meaning that I may as well have just stayed quiet.
2. Along those same lines, I almost never express my true feelings. I will suppress them until they are screaming to get out, and then I have a breakdown. Even when the breakdown happens, I’ll usually keep it to myself rather than going to someone and talking about it. Unhealthy? Yes.
3. I hate confrontation. Unless someone notices there’s a problem and brings it up, I likely will not address it. Unless it’s so extreme that I can’t avoid it.
4. I am afraid to ask for help. I often expect people to offer me help instead. Like they should read my mind and anticipate when I need them. I think it’s because I see asking for help as admitting that I can’t do it on my own.
5. Risks scare me, mainly because the possibility of failure is so frightening.
6. I am stubborn as hell.
7. I don’t do enough for other people. I used to. Little things like cards and letters, gifts for no reason. I’ve lost sight of all that. And every time my roommate gets me a card or flowers or a bottle of wine for no reason, I feel guilty that I don’t do the same for her more often.
8. I don’t follow through on my good intentions enough. Like keeping in touch with people. Or applying for that job that’s been sitting in my inbox for a week or more. Or making [and keeping] plans with a friend I haven’t seen in more than a year.
9. I’m afraid to just put myself out there. In a lot of ways. Romantically, professionally, etc., all because I am horribly afraid of rejection. It’s always: “If I tell him how I feel, he’ll just say no. I’d rather not know.” Or: “If I apply for this job that I’m not really qualified for, they’ll laugh at me. It’s not worth it.”
10. I am easily swayed by peer pressure. Examples: Jello shooters at my birthday last year. Thanks, Liana.
11. I don’t know how to say “no” when it’s appropriate to or necessary to.
12. I’m wishy-washy. I’ll waffle on how I feel about something for a long time before I really know.
13. I can’t make a decision to save my life. Where to go out to dinner? Anything’s fine. This indecision has caused a lot of frustration for family and friends over the years. Sorry for that, folks. (Especially you, rooms.)
14. I judge people. I say I don’t, but I do. I think most people do.
15. I hold grudges. (See: #1, 2, 3, and 6…)
16. I get jealous easily. Sometimes by really, really petty things that shouldn’t matter.
17. I hate being left out because I’m afraid I’ll never catch back up. I’ll be left in the dust and not be able to redeem my standing.
18. I can be elitist. And I hate it.
19. I lie. Probably not a whole lot, and nothing vicious. But more than I would like to.
20. I hate to be wrong. And I will try to find a way to argue that my side is right, even when I know it’s wrong. See that whole “stubborn” item again.
21. I like feeling smarter than other people in certain subjects. A lot.
22. I care way too much what other people think of me. And not even just the people who matter.
23. I have unattainable ideals for a lot of things/people in my life. Like my perfect man. I’m not sure he exists.
24. Which is probably why I’m chronically single. I’m afraid of love because I’m afraid of screwing it up.
25. I am one-minded. I get my mind set on one thing and I’m often so narrow-minded with it that I can’t see the other options or paths that are out there. So I obsess over that one thing and get frustrated when it doesn’t work out.
26. I hate not being in control. And because of that, I get frustrated very easily.
27. I am a perfectionist. To the point of obsession.
28. I can’t take criticism, constructive or otherwise.
29. I love gossip.
30. I sometimes pretend to be someone I’m not. I pretend to be interested in certain things because I think people would like me better if I share their interests. When really, I shouldn’t want to be involved with people who don’t like me for who I really am.
31. I can’t take a compliment from anyone. In Jamaica, Kim told me I looked beautiful in my dress one night. I just shrugged it off. She then said, “Hey, Lindsay, remember that time I told you you looked gorgeous and you totally ignored me and didn’t accept the fact that you’re a stunning human being? Yeah, that was fun, right?” It’s an awful habit that I’m trying to work on.
32. I live too much in the realm of “what if…” and don’t appreciate enough of what’s right in front of me.
33. I often dwell on the negative rather than focusing on the positive.

And I think I’m going to end the list there. Because if I continue writing, then I am doing exactly what I said I do in that last one…dwelling on the negative.

A work in progress

There is a lot I need to work on with myself, and I am aware of that. I know there are more things I could add to this list, and I’ll probably continue to add to it in my head over time. But I’m going to work on a lot of these things, which all stem from underlying self-esteem issues that I haven’t fully worked out yet. These issues run deep, and have since childhood, but I’ve made progress and I will continue to do so.

This, like my “Who am I?” exercises in the 20 Something 20 Everything book, was an enlightening exercise. I encourage people to participate in this on their own. If you feel like it, share here. What are your faults? Are you working on them?